Saturday, March 04, 2006

UltraViolet (2006)

I just wasted $7 to go see UltraViolet in a theater. I wasn't expecting a masterpiece. At most I wanted it to at least be on par with Equilibrium or something. It wasn't. It sucked ass.

First, it's based on two played out genres: the sci-fi vampire movie and the hot-ass-kicking female flick. There is almost no reason for the characters to be vampires in UltraViolet. For one, they seem to walk around in sunlight without getting so much as a tan and there isn't one scene where they are out drinking blood. While eschewing the basic vampire film conceits, it does adhere to the more modern flourishes: that becoming one of the undead gives you instant proficiency in firearms, a black belt in any and every martial art concieved, and a taste for Eurotrash fashion.

And note to Hollywood...ass kicking female action heroes are no longer novel. In the beginning, it was a clever way to combine sex appeal and violence for the horny geek crowds, while making it appeal to those in search of "strong female characters" and deflect accusations of sexism. At least it was...since we now have a generation of moviegoers raised on Aliens, Ghost in the Shell, Aeon Flux, Kill Bill, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Serenity, the Matrix etc. etc. etc. New the next major sci-fi action movie produced, the female character must be just a sex object, maybe an impossibly hot scientist or something. I'm sick of our age of enlightened sex roles.

Then again, you aren't seeing something like UltraViolet to see anything new. Like Equilibrium, you're there primarily for the bullet ballet.

Why this was released with a PG-13 rating I have no idea. UltraViolet could have used some blood, especially in its numerous sword fights. The Day Glo colored walls were all begging for some Kurosawa-esque splashes of blood to be splattered against them. For a movie whose body count reaches into the hundreds, the violence has little bite. I'm afraid that this movie proves that an action film can't survive on Gun-Kata alone.

Oh, and the bad guys are impossibly dumb. How henchman who constantly get themselves into Polish firing squads can suppress an entire futuristic society is beyond me.

The special effects are also distractingly bad. I've seen TV movies with more polished special effects. Most of the CGI is of animatic quality, and why does every scene have a soft glow look that makes it look like the smeared vaseline on the lense? I nearly yelled at the projetionist that the movie was out of focus, until I realized this was all intentional.

As for the rest of it's flaws, let's go down the list....Story: nil. Dialogue: crap, but not amusing crap like in, say, the love scenes in Revenge of the Sith. Running time: A mercifully brief hour and a half. Nudity: one silhouetted scene of Milla Jovovich's ass. If you're really that desperate to see her naked, google image search it.

Yes, UltraViolet is basically just a videogame, except there are videogames more compelling than this, and have more polished cutscenes. This movie is more retarded than you would be on ten bong rips and a fifth of vodka.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you think it sucked, you probably didn't properly understood Equilibrium neither.

Because two movies are about "emotionless".

Those two movies are very different from other action movies because those are extremely serious about emotionlessness.

Of course, it is not 100% emotionless because that is impossible. But movie makers did their best to hide their emotion very well so you not feeling "something" is actually intended and normal.

How can someone enjoy the emotionless? Well. Once you learn, you will never go back.

9:00 PM  

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